Poetry Corner: Revolution Unzipped: Voice of the Pantsless

I just realized that I never posted what is probably the best poem I've ever written. It's a foray into the many offenses against humanity that have been perpetrated by the iron-cuffed ruling class... pants. If you think you're not interested in reading poetry right now, then think again! Down your trousers and remember: "Prose before hos." So, without further ado, I present...

Revolution Unzipped: Voice of the Pantsless

I invoke your spirit, Thomas Paine,
for you once dealt with a crisis
similar to the plague we now face.
"Common Sense" released us
from the chafing grasp of a corrupt king,
saved us from the Redcoats.
But it will take divine knowledge
to break us from our current chains.

Friends, comrades, we are living
under the false pretenses
of a puppet government.
We are the last pocket of resistance
against a cruel and unjust ruler.
Too long have we been persecuted,
oppressed by pants, shackled by shorts.
We must struggle to escape
the verticle stripes of corduroys
the prison bars holding humanity.

The enemy is no longer stiff,
brittle as the metal pants of yore,
but dynamic, ever-changing.
Pantaloons become breeches,
trousers, acid wash jeans,
Hammer pants, and Bermuda shorts.

They have invaded every facet of life,
snow pants for the arctic climes,
waders for the aquatic. We must take up arms
against the seperation of knees,
seperate but equal. Battle for the peacable
assembly of thighs and our constitutional
right to bare legs. Free your families
from the captivity of Capris.

The two-legged bacteria have evolved,
diversified, even developed stain resistance.
But we still have the power, the freedom,
to press the pant menace from existance
before it rides up the ass of America.

-

Et voila. If anybody wants the poem read at some socialite party or congressional meeting, I'd be happy to read. If however I am unable to attend, I recommend Samuel L. Jackson as my understudy of sorts.

Catch-ya. I'm ghost like Swayze.

The Ferris Wheel

Right, well... here's installment number two of whatever it is I'm doing with this blog right now...

(Original Photo lifted shamelessly from Flickr)

Joey Two-Tone

Hmm... Time for me to do something creative... but not too creative. I know, I'll start adding text to other people's pictures to make them funny. Yeah! That's what I'll do.

(I'll give credit where credit is due... I suppose.
This photo was originally from This Guy on Flickr.)

Mines Goggles 2.0

Two days of skiing at Keystone and an updated blog... what else could a boy want?

Cake. That's what... but I digress.

Let me run through the list of updates for y'all.

First of all, you may have noticed the music that started playing when you loaded up Mines Goggles (Click the square if you want it to stop, the double arrow to go to the next song... if you don't know the drill by now, then screw you.). I've embedded a nice little flash media player in the Blogger bar that links to my Webjay playlist, so you have to listen to what I want you to. Currently, the playlist is as follows:

1. Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg - "Lazy Sunday" (A hilarious SNL rap about the
Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia)
2. Annoying Webjay ad
3. Calexico - "Guero Canelo" (A different version than I'd heard before, but free and legal)
4. Dangerdoom - "Benzie Box"
5. Fall Out Boy - "Dance, Dance" (We all know it and love it)

I suppose I'll try to switch it up once in a while, but it's tough to find and use good songs that aren't copyright-infringing.

Next, I'm trying to switch up the little quotes under the "Mines Goggles" title every now and then in a lame attempt to keep myself occupied (idle hands being the devil's playground and all...)

Finally and, coincidentally, at the bottom of the page is the Technorati... thing. You can now easily search through the content on my blog, view my Technorati profile, and see what sites link to mine (none right now...sad face). Perhaps most importantly is the pagerank (PR) icon at the very bottom. If it ever gets up past, say, 2, then I'm officially a geek. For the time being, though, I'm just an internet wastrel...which is good... I think.

Al.X out!

An Explanation

Earlier today, I was harangued by "D." "Cap'n Action" Grimm about my lack of posts since October and I thought my loyal viewers deserved an explanation (even you, homeless, Internet-cafe dwelling, greasy-haired, pirate-lookin' guy with shingles). It follows:

NOVEMBER IS A COMMUNIST!

That's right, people. November's a goddamn kitten humping pinko bastard. Just look at what November does to the trees:


I bet that tree wishes it was in China... poor misled sprite... It had such a shining democratic future ahead of it before it was taken in by November's communist ploys... promises of universal health care and social equity coursing through its now-vermillion* lifeblood.

Let this be a lesson to you, children. You may have to endure your share of hanging-chads, but eventually democracy will prevail. Jesus wanted it that way. And remember, a red heart is no good without the whites of your eyes to lead it and the blue of the sky to contain it.

*Vermillion is a fancy word for red, you uncultured swine.