Quick Note: On The Use of a Phrase

It occurred to me today that there's no point in ever using the phrase...

"you'll be the first one to know"

...because, almost invariably the party being informed will, in fact, not be the first to know. The party making the offer of post-discovery information sharing will be the first with access to whatever new-found knowledge comes about. Often, the informed party is twice or even three times removed from the actual source of information. You're promising first hand knowledge to somebody when your true intentions are to give them tired, watered-down old news. Anybody who's read any Plato or played a game of Telephone knows this to be a bad thing with possibly disastrous consequences. To hell with common usage. I'm extricating this phrase from my speech starting today. For those of you who would like to join the revolution, here are some possible replacements:

"You'll be the second (third, fourth, seventy-fifth... be truthful, damnit!) to know."

"I'll let you know when I do."

"As soon as I know and then tell you, then you'll know too."

or,

"I told you already, Ma, we're not keeping it even if it is a boy."

I hope this has been as informative and fun for you as it was for me. Thank you for your time and support.

Man vs. Mouse 2007 Update

So it turns out there were actually three (at least) mice in the apartment. Anyway, here's the updated score:

Alex: 2
Mice: 5
Wutang: 1

With Alex bringing in another old-school mouse-trap kill and Wu actually snagging a mouse (probably one with Down Syndrome) in his glue trap. We'll keep you posted.

Man vs. Mouse 2007

I'd just like to take this opportunity to announce the results of the first annual Man vs. Mouse tournament. The battle took place over a two week span beginning on January 6th and ending in the early morning hours of January 20th. Of the four invited competitors, three chose to compete. Following is an overview of the competitors:

Competitor Name: Alex Hughson, a.k.a. The Exterminator
Representing: Missoula, MT: The Garden City

Weapon of Choice: Peanut Butter (Creamy), Spring Trap

Stats: Weight: 160 lb Height: 6'1" Age: 20 yr


Competitor Name: Mousey McGee, a.k.a. Mr. Squeakers, a.k.a. (insert cliche rodent name here)
Representing: Order Rodentia

Weapon of Choice: Teeth, Cuteness

Stats: Weight: 4 oz Height: 1" Age: 7 mo


Competitor Name: Ruobing Wu, a.k.a. The Wutang Clan

Representing: The People's Republic of China

Weapon of Choice: Chemically Bated Glue Trap

Stats: Weight: 145 lb Height: 5'10" Age: 20 yr



Mousey McGee, having had a week to set the arena in his favor began the tournament by eating one of Alex's shirts, the inside of Alex's ski helmet, and a part of Ruobing's mattress, thoroughly humiliating the human competitors. The contest raged on for weeks, without either side gaining a noticeable advantage. The tide began to turn when Wutang brought five glue traps into play. However, Mr. Squeakers managed to push a trap across the room without so much as a hair being stuck to the adhesive paste. The decisive move came when Alex placed four old-school, nostalgic mouse traps in the arena. Our mouse friend coudln't help but dine on the delicious peanut butter bait. In fact, he managed to finish off the first three trap-fulls of creamy peanut butter without triggering the mechanism. He finally met his demise, however, in Alex's room when his hunger got the best of him and the fourth trap closed mercilessly. Alex didn't even wake up.

So, the final score of the 2007 Man vs. Mouse competition are:

Ruobing Wu: 0
Alex Hughson: 1
Mousey McGee: 4

Mousey McGee currently resides in the apartment trash can, but could not comment on his win, as his mouth was full of peanut butter and he was dead. Alex will be accepting the trophy on Mousey's behalf at a ceremony later this week. Stay tuned for more action.

Prices Higher in HI and AK

I was just watching television and stumbled across a Burger King ad featuring the Jr. Whopper (not to be mistaken for the Worden's Whoppa of Missoula, Montana deli fame) which is a staple of the BK dollar menu. In any case, on the little splash screen at commercial's end, I noticed, written in only the tiniest of letters, "Prices Higher in HI and AK."

I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize on the behalf of Burger King to the residents of Hawaii and Alaska. Without the two of you, the rest of us wouldn't be the 'lower 48.' We'd just be... 'the 48,' which sounds kind of lame to me... I suppose this is mostly thanks to Alaska, as Hawaii isn't really above so much as to the West, but I'm digressing.

Now, I'm not apologizing for the actual fact that the Whopper Jr. is more costly to the residents of these disconnected, far-away states. If you've ever tried to drive a truck full of hamburger meat past a gang of wily polar bears, you'd understand. No, I'm apologizing for the way in which the information was presented to you. Now, usually we don't bother to tell you two things like this. Mostly, we hope you'll figure it out on your own. (Hawaii, Nebraska wasn't hitting on you when he licked his teeth and winked at you. You've had spinach in your teeth for like the entire night.) But this time, you deserved a head's up. And it was given, but poorly. The extra 17 cents tacked onto your Whopper Jr.'s called for a at least a 32 point font, not the measly 8 points you received. We won't be sending out any reparations, as you both have a wealth of seals, which we feel makes up for any shortcomings on our part. Still, I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.

Yours always,
Alex

Ben's Down Home Chupacobbler Recipe

I was back in Missoula last week and reminded of how completely ridiculous my friends are. One topic of discussion was the chupacobbler, a mythical, middle-American pastry which, supposedly, sucks the life out of livestock-based pastries and pies (the only one that comes to mind being chicken-pot). That being said, here's a recipe for Ben's famous Chupacobbler:

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 stick (1/2 cup) butter
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup self-rising flour
• 2 cups fresh chupacabra

PREPARATION:

Melt butter in a shallow 2-quart baking dish. Mix together flour, sugar, vanilla, and milk to make a batter; pour over the hot melted butter. Do not stir. Arrange chupacabra evenly over the top. Bake at 375° for 45 minutes, or until top is nicely browned.

SERVING:

Let stand for 5 minutes. Serve chupacobbler immediately: warm, à la mode. Do not store chupacobbler with beef, pork, or poultry.

Threadless: Cool Shirts for Cool Cats

So I was in the airport earlier this week when I noticed a guy sporting a t-shirt with the best design I've seen in a long, long time. After a day of Internet investigation and some help from Flickr, I found out that the shirt came from Threadless, a lovely sort of social t-shirt
creating collective. The design, "Pandamonuim," was unfortunately sold out, but I did find a few others that I chose to buy, including "I'd Hit It" (With the Penguins) and "Loch Ness Imposter." Definitely check them out if you have a few minutes, some extra cash and a need for shiny new shirts.

On top of that, Threadless has something called "StreetTeam" going on in the background which is an extremely well implemented credit-based social marketing program. For instance, if any of you click this LINK, you'll be taken to the main page. If, once there, you decide to buy a shirt (you'd be cooler if you did) I get a few credits with which to buy more shirts. Diabolical, no?

Anyway, hope some of you get as turned on to this thing as I am.



-Al.X

Well damn...

Something crazy happened so all my little extras are gone from the page. Probably for the best anyway. I'll put the flickr badge and music list up again, but we'll see how close I can get to returning the blog to the eighth-grader-esque melange it once was.